Stars and Thunder
by Yessica-N
Summary: Jyushimatsu may not understand his brothers all of the time. But he knows how to make them happy and that's the important part. (Autistic!Jyushimatsu)


**This is another commission for somebody on tumblr! I really liked writing Jyushimatsu, especially since he's such an... unusual character.**

 **I hope I managed to pull off the lovely sunshine child...**

* * *

By the time the sun starts casting its rays through the curtained window, Jyushimatsu usually already knows if it is going to be a good day or not.

He can feel it in the air. In the slight tension that seems to drag its claws down his spine. He can hear it in the small sighs or strained sounds of his brothers lying beside him. He can see it in their movements, reflected in their faces.

They're none of them as good at hiding it as he is.

When Jyushimatsu simply knows it's going to be another one of _those_ days, he can only smile brighter, force himself until it hurts and the muscles ache.

Because he would do anything for them.

* * *

When the silence suffocates them, coats the room in age-worn fights and lost discussions, he fills it with his laughter.

Jyushimatsu likes to sing a lot, and his brothers barely ever tell him to shut up anymore. Not like when they were still children, when they ran down dusty streets or fought about who could have the biggest piece of mochi.

Now his brothers are a lot quieter, and Jyushimatsu compensates for their silence. He likes to make his brothers happy, it is very important to him, and years of experience have learned him how.

Sometimes Karamatsu-nii-san will come to him and sing along, or play something easy on his guitar and Jyushimatsu gets so giddy it almost hurts, a feeling of warmth in his chest that he tries to hold down, keep it in there forever.

When his brothers smile at him he's pretty much ready to burst.

Their happiness makes him happy. It's as simple as that. It fills him with something that burns pleasantly and makes it easier to sleep at night.

* * *

As time wears on and they all grow older, it gets harder and harder for Jyushimatsu to accomplish even that though.

It is like he can see the difference between the sincerity he used to get from them, and the pale mockery that greets him now. They seem to have it hard, and though he is unsure why, he wants to help.

When he playfully pokes at Ichimatsu's side, his brother slaps his hands away with a tired frown, turning his head to look at the wall.

Jyushimatsu braces them against the floor instead, smiling so wide it hurts, blinking fast. His eyes sting a bit, but he's sure that will go away soon.

"Ichimatsu-nii-san." He says softly, because Ichimatsu doesn't like loud things and he knows that, even if it is very hard for him to keep his voice down. His mother calls it his indoor-voice, but he doesn't know what that even means.

His brother stubbornly refuses to look at him though.

Jyushimatsu swallows twice, something intangible sliding down his throat to extinguish the excitement and settling at the pit of his stomach, deeply rooted there. Maybe it's worry, or maybe disappointment.

"Ichimatsu-nii-san." He tries again, one hand reaching out. Ichimatsu grumbles something and gets up, leaving the room and slamming the door unnecessarily loud at his departure.

He stares at the door and wonders why his eyes sting even more now as he wipes them determinedly.

* * *

Jyushimatsu has a lot of older brothers, four of them in fact, and when he tells people they always raise their eyebrows at him as if he's lying. But he only has one younger brother, so that makes Todomatsu a little bit special, in a weird way.

No matter how often Choromatsu-nii-san reminds him they are sextuplets and therefor all born on the very same day, in the span of a few hours at most.

It doesn't really make a difference to Jyushimatsu. It doesn't change the fact that Totty is his little brother and therefore he must adhere to all the rules being a good big brother entails.

He can make silly faces at the camera all day long if he needs to and feels the warmth in his ribcage return when he hears Todomatsu giggle at the results.

Jyushimatsu loves petting Todomatsu's hair also because it's very soft. And he knows he likes it when Osomatsu-nii-san strokes his hair and thanks him for being such a good brother, so he's absolutely certain Totty likes it too.

It just makes sense.

Sometimes, the youngest stares at his phone almost wistfully, a small sigh escaping his mouth. His eyes dart around the room anxiously, one finger tapping away without really typing anything.

Jyushimatsu wonders if Todomatsu is lonely. The thought makes his hands shake a bit so he stuffs them in his sleeves, sitting on top of them for good measure.

He doesn't really understand how that could be, since there's six of them and Ichimatsu-nii-san is always complaining how it's so hard to get some time to yourself in their house. Jyushimatsu doesn't agree, since he likes the rowdiness. It makes him feel save. But maybe his brothers wouldn't see it that way, he thinks.

He asks Totty if he would like to go out with him to the stores instead.

Neither of them really has any money, Todomatsu recently quit his part-time job after telling the others it was too much of a bother and his chances of finding a date there had depleted to zero anyway ever since they came to visit.

Unsure what that had meant, Jyushimatsu had apologized on behalf of them all, since Totty looked very upset but nobody else seemed to care.

His only younger brother had thanked him back then and they had gotten ice cream with the little that remained from his final paycheck.

But even so, Jyushimatsu couldn't quite shake the feeling that something was broken. Something that used to be fragile between them and now lay in pieces. Something he had no idea about how to fix.

"That's ok. I don't really feel like going out." Todomatsu answers his offer in the negative, looking at his phone quickly as if he's avoiding Jyushimatsu's gaze now too.

The fifth born wants to ask why, since Totty never could stand being cooped up in the house before, but he bites his tongue instead.

That question might make his brother even more sad, and that's the last thing he wants to do.

So he goes downstairs and pulls open the freezer. His fingers are stone cold by the time he finds and digs out a left-over of vanilla ice-cream he has been saving for the first day of summer. But that's still weeks away, and Totty looks like he could use it more anyway.

There is no more strawberry sauce, Todomatsu's favorite, so just plain ice will have to do. Jyushimatsu would run down to the store and get some himself, they just got their allowance yesterday too, but he doesn't want to risk it.

He doesn't want Totty to be sad for that long.

When he brings it upstairs, Osomatsu loudly complains about him not getting any, but Jyushimatsu ignores him as he plops down next to his dearest younger brother and hands him the bowl.

Todomatsu looks surprised for a whole 3 seconds, before he breaks out into a grin, eyes suddenly soft with fondness. "Thank you, Jyushi." He mumbles, almost embarrassed.

"At least you know how to be a decent brother." He adds a tad louder, directing the statement at the other Matsuno's, who don't deem to respond but look vaguely annoyed all the same.

Jyushimatsu isn't really sure why Todomatsu said that, but when he sees him taking a bite from the white sweetness and close his eyes in sugary bliss, he knows he made the right decision.

* * *

When he wakes up at four in the morning Jyushimatsu notices the warm feeling hasn't completely gone away yet. Rather it feels more like a stone lying on the bottom of his gut now, heavy and slightly uncomfortable.

He sits up in the quiet room, looks quickly at the faces of his sleeping siblings to check if they're alright.

Trying to breath slowly doesn't really help. Instead, it only makes the constricting feeling more pronounced, until he's doubling over into the sheets and gripping them with unsteady fingers, exhaling shakily.

After half an hour or so the feeling subsides and Jyushimatsu can move again, though the weight is still there, now contained in his entire chest. Taking in air doesn't go as easy as he's used to.

But he doesn't even consider waking up his brothers, instead just lying down again and trying to get back to sleep.

They don't need him to bother them with his problems also. They already have enough of their own.

* * *

The next morning he still wakes up first, as is usual. He notices the tightness in Osomatsu's body when he pushes the sheets away from himself too moments later, and figures his oldest brother must have dreamed of them leaving again.

It's been happening a lot more frequently lately, and Jyushimatsu doesn't know what to do about it.

Ever since entering high school, their older brother started getting into moods, as the six of them slowly drifted away from each other. As they automatically slipped into their involuntary roles, the ones they didn't really choose, but got stuck with anyway, and which they haven't been able to shake since.

Even if they wanted to.

Karamatsu is the over-confident one and Choromatsu is the sensible one. Ichimatsu is the gloomy one and Todomatsu is the cute one.

Nobody really knows what Osomatsu is supposed to be, except maybe the oldest one, but he has been that all along, and that's probably half the reason he has been so gloomy lately.

But if there's one thing Jyushimatsu knows for sure, it's that he is the cheerful one. He is the one that always smiles and lightens the mood. The one that makes jokes and acts silly so the others can laugh with him.

He has been that way for so long, it's a bit hard to remember if it has ever been different.

He tries to do so now, even if the nausea still isn't gone and he feels slightly dizzy from moving around too fast. Jyushimatsu grits his teeth and tries harder, until he can see a tiny smile on Osomatsu-nii-san's face.

It doesn't feel as uplifting as it normally does. Instead, he feels kind of tired, despite just getting out of bed. But he has to do this. He has to.

* * *

At breakfast Choromatsu asks him if he will go to practice baseball again today. It's a routine he slipped into after being kicked out of the club in middle school: every other day of the week and twice in the weekends.

Normally, he wouldn't even think to not go. Routines are nice and safe and they make it easy for Jyushimatsu to remember what he is supposed to do and where to be. His mother always calls him absent-minded. Sometimes he just forgets what people tell him, that's all.

But today, he feels bad and can't stop moving his hands, trying to do so under the table so his brothers won't notice.

He's just about to tell them he won't go today, that maybe he should just sit on the couch for a bit because his head hurts, when he catches their eyes.

Karamatsu looks very worried and Ichimatsu is frowning and Jyushimatsu doesn't like it. He doesn't want them to look like that.

He beams at them and tells them he thinks he'll go to the beach again today. He went to the park last week and some of the people there scowled very badly, maybe because he was making a lot of noise.

On the beach, the waves are very loud too and there aren't any angry people. The sand feels nice and it reminds him of Humora, and thinking of her makes Jyushimatsu feel a little better already.

His brothers relax, satisfied that the ever-present brightness has been returned to their world.

Jyushimatsu nods at himself and ignores how hard it is to breath right now.

* * *

The salty sea air doesn't really help. It burns in his lungs and makes him cough until his vision goes all blurry and he can't feel the baseball bat in his hands anymore. Nobody is there, so Jyushimatsu doesn't stop the tears trying to escape his eyes, the tracks of water almost freezing against his feverish skin.

He's probably sick, he realized by now. And he should probably tell someone too. But that will make them sad again and that's the last thing he wants to do.

He wheezes until the ringing in his ears stops and he can stand upright once more. Then, he paces down the beach so that he can see the rocks where he first met Homura in the distance, and begins practicing his swings.

He loses count and has to start over two times, but persists until he really can't breath anymore and his insides are churning.

Then he turns around to go home, smile plastered firmly on his face, feeling like he accomplished something important.

* * *

His brothers are very happy to see him. They often are. The room feels tense and quiet when he's not there.

Jyushimatsu knows by now that he's the glue that keeps their shattered pieces together. His optimism like an invisible force that keeps them all going.

He wheezes a bit, wiping his forehead to ignore the dull throbbing beneath.

"You're so pale, Jyushimatsu. Are you getting sick?" Choromatsu asks worriedly, staring at him with the sullen look that has taken permanent residence on his features ever since they turned 18 and hasn't left since.

Jyushimatsu hates it.

He wants to shake his head, but the world is spinning too much and when he blinks next he's lying on the couch somehow.

How did that happen?

He's very cold despite the blanket covering him, until he notices his yellow hoodie is lying on the back of the seat, folded neatly. Probably Karamatsu-nii-san then.

Jyushimatsu doesn't like not being able to wear it and he wants to sit up to grab it but moving feels a bit bothersome.

"Are you feeling any better?" Osomatsu asks him. He is sitting next to the couch on his knees and he's looking very serious, a lot more serious than Jyushimatsu has ever seen him look before.

He tries to smile but he doesn't think it looks as convincing as it is supposed to, judging by his brother's expression.

"Pneumonia can be really bad, Jyushi." He says calmly, but his voice is shaking a bit. He brushes the hair out of his little brother's face. "You can't scare us like that..."

Jyushimatsu doesn't think he has done anything really scary but he notices Osomatsu-nii-san's eyes look a bit wet so he closes his own eyes instead.

"I'm sorry, Nii-san." He says, and when he opens them Osomatsu is smirking.

"I know." Osomatsu sits back a bit, but keeps one hand loosely on the blanket. Jyushimatsu doesn't mind, he likes having it there. "Just don't do it again, ok?"

Even then, Jyushimatsu still isn't sure what he has done wrong to begin with, but he nods vigorously, remembering the way Osomatsu grins at him and goes to call their other brothers.

They were all very worried but when they see he is fine they laugh and sit around the table and Jyushimatsu gets excited. He gets to sit with them, leaning against Ichimatsu to stay upright as Todomatsu tells them about something funny that happened at the gym and the others all pay attention and listen for a change.

It reminds him a bit of old times, of when they all huddled together under the too big futon and held hands, breathing in sync with each other.

Maybe it will never be like that again. Probably it will never be like that again.

But Jyushimatsu looks at their happy faces thinks this can be fine too.

* * *

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